Star gazing

It’s pretty sad when you go through the archives of online dating messages… this gem is from 2013. I totally forgot about it until a friend reminded me of this classic creep… enough to make a lasting memory!

star gazer


Joe pal – the disappearing/re-appearing convenience buddy?

This guy… I met him probably over 3 years now via Match and username was Joepal. We went on a few dates  but had no real chemistry. We mostly talked about work and our jobs, which is fine, but I felt like we were at a business networking luncheon – not a date. He was fun to go out as a friends, and we even both “double dated” once where I brought and friend and so did he. Just very casual get togethers with nothing romantic at all. Eventually life as the CFO at a company in Baltimore got too busy for him (if only I was a gold digger and I could’ve had the life), and I lost interest moving on to date other weirdos. We never actually had a conversation of “let’s just be friends,” but wouldn’t you assume that not hearing from a person for months at a time would be suffice? Noooope.

Keep in mind, it has been almost 2 years since we have seen each other in person. He randomly will send me an assortment of text messages and/or emails just to say “hi.” He definitely gets a gold star for persistence. His timing is also always interesting… it’s like he stalks me somehow because he mostly always ends up reaching out to me when something changes in my life.  I heard from him in February – literally the weekend that fudge face d-bag Corey broke my heart (that’s another story for another time for those who don’t know) saying that he was in my area and wanted to know if I wanted to grab coffee. No”hi how are you” just the sure convenience for him that he wants to catch up. What is up with these guys and just wanting to do things just for the convenience for them!? NO thank you!

Today I get a text “the weather has been great… I hope you haven’t gone golfing yet without inviting me!” I mean… REALLY?! When have we ever gone golfing together? We might have talked about it 3 years ago?! Come on buddy. I am not just a convenience friend for you to message whenever you feel like catching up. Maybe that’s my problem… I have too much pride. Maybe I expect too much? Any other woman would probably just smile and nod to meet up at a moment’s notice…. The ones (men) that you don’t like NEVER GO AWAY!!!

Anyway, I have a first Match date in quite some time on Tuesday. No nickname just yet as we have not met in person. Let’s see what ridiculous mannerisms this guy will have… or will luck be on my side for once, and this guy will be semi-normal?!

Gas station guy

This literally happened 15 minutes ago at the gas station right by my house…

It is Friday evening, and I am exhausted after a long work week. I am wearing jeans and beat up sneakers with a sweatshirt. I stop to get gas for my car. Mid-pump, a beat-up Toyota pulls up across from me, and the guy rolls his window down.

He proceeds to say he thinks I am absolutely gorgeous and asks me out. He says he is from DC and wants me to come down there for him to take me out. He gives me his number and asks for mine. Of course I give him a fake number.

Why oh WHY can’t I just lie and say I am married or have a boyfriend!? I give him props for the confidence to ask me out… but the fact that his “look,” his piercings are not what I am looking for and the fast food bags laying in the backseat of his beat-up Toyota… I am not into going out with a slob that loves a big mac.

Also he was sitting in his car, and I couldn’t see his legs… so did he have any/one since I have been duped by that before! (See previous post of Car Selfie guy surprise)

Eyes close while talking guy

My last date was exactly one month ago today. Wow… my dating life is sad.

I thought I would reminisce by sharing the last coffee date I went out with. To be honest, I don’t even remember this guy’s name. His mannerisms made him more memorable than his name – sad and mean but true. This was via Match and was not the normal progression of messages, ask for number, text/phone call, ask out. This was the straight a few messages on Match to “let’s meet for coffee.” Trying to be open-minded, I went with it. The messages on Match weren’t very exciting and I didn’t get that good gut feeling, but what’s a $4 coffee for super low commitment?

Upon meeting, my immediate first reaction is… wow this guy is a huge nerd. Don’t lie, we all have our judgements meeting a stranger for the first time… especially online dating. Nothing is wrong with nerdiness, sometimes it’s endearing. But not in the case. However, here I am trying to be open-minded again. The first 15 minutes of the conversation was normal. And then the first odd mannerism occurs- the guy closes his eyes for 10-15 seconds while he is speaking about where he has grown up.

Okaaayyy… my first thought was that he’s tired and/or nervous. Throughout the almost 1-hour of coffee, he keeps doing this. At one point, I counted 10 Mississippis of him closing his eyes. I should’ve taken out my phone and taken a picture of him. Try closing your eyes for 10-15 second intervals while talking. It is so AWKWARD.

The conversation wasn’t even that great; we have little in common except for our love of Alton Brown and the Food Network. I don’t have a music studio in my basement, I don’t play the saxophone, I am not instrumental or band-geekish at all, I am somehow into more sports than this guy is… I zoned out after I chugged my coffee 30 minutes into the date. The date somehow lasted another 20 minutes, and towards the end, he asked, “What else should I know about you?” And proceeded to go “Hmmmm…. hhmmmmm… hmmmmmmm……..” with his head cocking to each side, with each time, 3 times in a row… omg. I stopped him at the third “hmmmmmm” and said there was nothing more he needed to know upon meeting someone for the first time. This dude is a weirdo, and I needed to get the F out of there.

He awkwardly walks me to the door, says he has to go to the “little boys room” and asks me out again. I said that I would let him know. (Thank god, we didn’t exchange numbers.) Yes that was my wimp cop-out of leaving him hanging when I clearly didn’t want to see him ever again.

And here I am… one month later with 0 dates.

Car selfie guy surprise!

This is a flashback Friday story to about 3 weeks ago. This so far has been a favorite amongst many of my friends. It’s time I document this one and share with the inter web.

This is a story. I figure it would be a nice change of pace from the Tinder stories – you would think that since match is a paid subscription, it would include better guys right? Ba ha ha ha… it is ALL the same!

I have been on Match for quite some time- on and off. I have found that it has its ups and downs… slow periods and then all of a sudden a bunch of guys sending messages all at once. Well currently I am going through a slow period. I get a message from a guy named Josh. Josh lives in the same suburb as I do and his profile seems relatively “okay” from what I read. Red flags of Josh before I proceeded to respond to his first message:

  1. He does not use punctuation so his paragraph of introducing himself is a complete run on sentence. PET PEEVE OF MINE HELLO! I mean how hard is it to add a period of question mark or even an exclamation point?!
  2. He has 9 pictures of himself on his profile- 2 of which are of his pets and the rest are car selfies. Yes, CAR SELFIES. In. the. same. black. shirt. Ok very similar shirt. Come on… how can I take you seriously?! Don’t you have any other activities besides sitting in your car!? (Man am I in for a surprise.)
  3. I also feel like I have a pretty good gut feeling for judging douchey-ness in a guy. It might make me too judgmental, but hey sorry, I am who I am… and might be a reason why I’m single. I just had a gut feeling with a few messages with this guy and what his profile consists of that there is nothing of substance and nothing I would like. Still, I figured I should try to be more open-minded and just “go with the flow more.” I mean, look at the screen shot below, he is not that bad looking of a guy. He just has PICTURES THAT ARE ALL CAR. SELFIES!


The few messages on Match continue, we eventually exchange numbers and start to text. Okay… normal progression for meeting people online.

The next morning, I get a message from him. It is a car selfie. YES. Another car selfie with a message from him saying that he has been duped by women online before on not matching up to their pictures, and he wanted to prove that this is him.

Well smack my head (smh)!!! Guess what color shirt he is wearing in the car selfie? Yes, a black shirt. I reply in a biotchy way that this selfie matches all other pictures of him sitting in a car in his profile that if this is his way of asking me to send a picture then he is mistaken because I have plenty of pictures in my profile doing a range of activities! He thinks I am funny with this remark. (Sigh. Men… boys can be so dumb and dense sometimes.) I don’t reply after his message because I am irritated with this guy. Mr. car selfie lover and no punctuation user in his messages at all – my gut was right, and I shouldn’t have even wasted my time. A few hours later, I get a paragraph text from him that blew my mind and has so far topped all stories so far…

Car selfie dude says he wants to be honest with me because if we ever do meet in person, he does not want me to be shocked. He was in a car accident when he was a teenager and lost his right leg. He is “okay” now but just wanted to tell me in case we were to meet.

OMG. WELL. Let’s backtrack slightly here… he has been duped by girls not matching up to their pictures online?! Well HELLO… how about not being honest in your profile and not telling people that you have one leg! What a hypocrite! Now the car selfie pictures completely make sense in his profile. Ding ding ding winner winner chicken dinner! I mean it sucks for you man, but I am not a good enough person to want to date you.. car selfie one legged man. If you would have been honest and upfront about yourself in the profile, I am sure plenty of women out there would have taken pity and given you a chance.

As for me, I am not one of them. Thank goodness for the “block” feature on the phone. You may think I’m heartless, but the red flags on him were there before I was even told about the peg leg. Now I know what to compare my future dates to- I should be glad that they (hopefully) have all four limbs.

Italian Stallion

Before I tell the tale of the Italian Stallion, let me just update everyone on Jeremy from the last post-

I never responded to any of Jeremy’s requests to meet up for his convenience at the casino or talk on the phone. Jeremy definitely gets an A for persistence as Tuesday morning, I get another message from him asking me how my day is going. Out of boredom, I respond and find out he’s messaging me because he’s “looking to kill time before work.” I ask what he does, and he responds that he is a lawyer. Wow… I would definitely not want him to defend me on anything. He also isn’t a bum either, but man, he surely does not know how to woo a woman. Later that night, he asks me to meet him at the casino… again… surprise surprise. I don’t respond, and I will bet that he will message me again a few days later. These dumb men!

Let’s move onto the Italian stallion – Marchello. As you can see from the screen shot, Marchello down right states what he wants. Curiosity was getting to me, so I swiped right on him, and look at that.. we match up


He immediately starts to message me, and of course, I am completely skeptical of him and his antics. He asked if I ever thought of getting involved in someone that would pay for dinners, vacations, and shopping sprees for no commitments – which okay let’s be real here… S-E-X. I responded that I never really wanted to be a prostitute, that Pretty Woman is just a movie, and I think the whole situation is sketchy. Well. Let me just say, he did not like that response. As the screen shot below depicts:


Hey if there are plenty of “sexier” girls that are into this situation, by all means, go for it buddy!!! Way to try to get laid by that comment!

And that is the last I heard of the Italian stallion… for now….